


Look at me.

by orphan_account



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Unrequited Love, side! xiuhan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:15:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22635772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It rains on the day Sehun admits to himself that maybe he really is in love with Minseok, and it rains on the day Sehun realizes his hyung will never love him back.
Relationships: Huang Zi Tao | Z.Tao/Oh Sehun, Kim Minseok | Xiumin/Oh Sehun
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	Look at me.

**Author's Note:**

> this is something i wrote back in 2013/2014 + unbeta'd so lol

It rains on the day Sehun admits to himself that maybe he really is in love with Minseok, and it rains on the day Sehun realizes his _hyung_ will never love him back.

-

15th of July and Sehun finds himself dripping wet, no umbrella on either of his hands, and certainly not a happy look on his face. He finds himself 10 minutes early to a meeting certainly spontaneous and probably even a meeting made just because Jongdae ditched this _meeting_ for his girlfriend instead. He finds himself almost ready to curse whoever is tapping him on the shoulder at that moment, but he turns around and he certainly is not expecting this: Minseok is also dripping wet, maybe even worse than him, and also ten minutes early but still all gummy smiles and chubby cheeks.

The smile on the other's lips is not reflected on his eyes, or at least Sehun overanalyzes.

Hearing " _sorry to bother you like this_ ," from the older's mouth, though, confirms Sehun's theory on the divergence of the emotions reflected by the eyes and the mouth of the man he's met only but a few times, because his voice quivered the slightest as he said it. Anyhow, maybe he needs this little break from researching too much in advance on his Psychology 110 class—he's entering university soon—after all, because he is starting to sound more and more like the professor in those videos (and that isn't really such a wonderful thing).

Sehun smiles a little just to be polite and awkwardly gestures for Minseok to come inside the little ramen shop. They sit where the rain is able to hit their shoes but that is least of their concerns since they are already dripping wet, _obviously_.

"It's on me today so order what you want," Minseok says and he's about to argue but he's given a look—this look with wide unblinking eyes and a quiet determination—and he knows he can't change the other's mind. "You're dripping wet because of me. Well, it’s Jongdae, actually. Just, _you know_ … order anything," Minseok says it with a laugh. He doesn't know if it's genuine or not, but he smiles back anyway.

"Then," he answers with a mischievous grin, the resolve that there is no use being gloomy with someone as sad as the weather already molded into his mind; he might as well cheer his _hyung_ up. "Buy me everything, _hyung_."

"Anything but everything," Minseok replies, laughing, his gums showing.

"But you said I can order what I want," he jokes, even furrowing his eyebrows. Minseok doesn't answer for a little while, a little too long and just stares at something Sehun can't see outside—at the rain, or maybe at somewhere else—and Sehun wonders if he had gone too far—if he had acted too overly familiar.

"By everything, I'm guessing you mean some noodles and cola," Minseok says in a lively voice after moments, not acknowledging the long pause. Sehun laughs a little and shrugs. "So let's just buy some spicy ramen," the older singsongs, "and maybe some beer instead. You don't have classes tomorrow, right?"

  
  
  
They do end up buying spicy ramen and some beer. The broth had been so spicy (he had no idea) his cheeks had heated up to the color of chili and his tongue had burned inside his mouth. Minseok had given him a piece of candy, laughing all the while, saying things like _why did you even order that_ and probably trying his hardest not to die from shortness of breath from laughing too much.

An hour passes and somehow they end up talking about Sehun's girlfriend; he doesn't know why. He says, "I don't have one," and it is replied with a shocked but teasing expression and a clause along _that couldn't possible for such a handsome young guy_ (he blushes awkwardly from the compliment). Some couple of minutes pass by some more and they find themselves talking about Jongdae (which is very weird, really, because Jongdae is their only mutual friend and he's the only friend they can talk about, which is also weird—talking about a friend). Give Sehun another twenty, and he doesn't want to go home because Minseok is witty and funny—something he finds admirable.

Another thirty and something interrupts their talk: Minseok's phone rings and the older boy looks at the caller id, then at Sehun. His face appears like he wants to say something to Sehun, but then the look is gone a few seconds after and instead he says, "Sorry. I have to go, Sehun-ah. I'll see you again next time," and there's a smile on his face. It's a sad, hopeful but beautiful smile. Sehun notices this. Sehun also notices how the older boy's hands shake as he gets up to leave and exit.

Minseok directs a smile at him again before finally disappearing.

Something stirs inside him as he watches the other's movements: admiration, maybe; but love, not yet.

No. This isn't the moment he realizes he is in love. He still isn't, after all.

-

Sehun arrives 10 minutes late.

When he hears Jongdae's loud voice saying, "I remember a time when Sehun—" he shouts _hyung_ and imagines digging a hole for his own grave and maybe one for Jongdae as well when the few people inside the coffee shop turn their heads to look at him. He casts his eyes to the floor and walks embarrassed steps towards the corner where his two seniors are.

Jongdae is _guffawing_. Yes, he is. Minseok is laughing along beside him, although in a more composed manner.

"We saw you by the door. Well, you're late so we decided to tease you a little. Ah, it's so fun teasing you," he hears Jongdae say and proceeds to where the shameless man is, lightly stomping at his feet before proceeding to take the seat to his left.

He offers his greetings to Minseok before addressing Jongdae: "You're horrible."

"Which is the reason why we’re friends," Jongdae counters. He rolls his eyes. "Oh, and—"

For the most part, Sehun just listens to their conversations, replying every now and then, drinking his bubble tea (Minseok found it amusing that he brought a drink from another store over. This causes him to buy a Panini from the shop from guilt) and humming along to the shop's music. He takes his time to absorb the shop's interior, since this is the first time he's been here. Jongdae had sent him a short message of _let's eat_ and well, it was near his apartment so he called back and now here he is.

"Oh, yeah. Sehun do you want to join us? We're going karaoke tonight with a couple of friends."

He smiles, a polite one again, when Minseok directs the question at him and he says, "Sure."

Jongdae comments and whines about how polite he is to Minseok; Sehun glares at him and says, "Respect those who are to be respected," in english (he heard it from some American movie) and he expects them to be amazed, or something like that at least. He didn't expect Jongdae to laugh at him, and Minseok to laugh even harder.

-

The first thing Sehun asks Minseok when he sees the latter is, "Did you sleep?"

It's a Wednesday, and during Wednesdays Sehun has three hours of break before his language classes. They were lucky; he was just about to take his break when Minseok called him while sounding like he hasn't slept in months.

"I've had more coffee this week than I've had the whole month of last month," Minseok grunts when they settle down onto their seats and tells him how his first semester in university is killing the living soul in him. "I have three projects I need to get done by next week, and I have one more drawing assignment that's due on Thursday. If you find my body lying on the streets, believe me, I'm just sleeping."

Sehun laughs and they talk about the hardships of college while eating bowls of ramen, which are less spicy than the last time (he's learned). It comes off a surprise when Minseok mentions a girl named Ahreum after Sehun asks him what his plans after university are.

Minseok talks about giving dreams up for her and moving somewhere else. He talks about how he deeply in love he is with her. _For three years_ , he says. He says it proudly, like loving someone who asks you to give up on your dreams is something to be proud of. Maybe it is, though, because how deep is your love if who you love does not love you in the same way? Ahreum doesn't love him as Sehun sees it, or maybe too little while he loved her too much. Of course he doesn't say this. He doesn't say it and instead listens at how Minseok's broken himself too many times, maybe all the while judging this girl he has never even met, seeming a little too affected than he should be.

-

On another time they’re together—he’s lost count on how many times they’ve been together, really—the hues outside are starting to turn from bright colors to paler ones. They have gotten closer; the awkwardness from their first few meetings have been replaced by a sense of familiarity and the need to talk to communicate has almost been completely diminished.

Also, Sehun’s not as polite, it seems.

"So," Minseok starts as they take little steps towards the same ramen shop they went to two and three weeks before, "we're here again. And once again, it's raining."

"So," Sehun mimics, "we're here again. And once again, it's raining."

Sehun allows himself a smile when the older of the two replies, "Very funny," with a fake laugh.

"Very funny,” he mimics, even making a face when he faux laughs. The raindrops dance around them; it's beautiful, Sehun finds. Their footsteps are light and synchronized; this, too, he finds beautiful; so does he to the gloominess of today; so to the smile on Minseok's lips. He finds everything quite beautiful today.

"You're paying today," is the reply of the older one, and Sehun wonders when they got so close. He rolls his eyes but agrees nonetheless, following closely behind, a big smile on his face. It’s really weird: how happy he is today. Everyone has those days, though, right?

"So why are we here again?"

"Well, I'm hungry."

"Aren't you always?" Sehun asks with a chuckle and ends up getting elbowed rather hardly on the arm. "What? I'm saying the truth," he teases, even adding _hyung_ just to tease the shorter of the two more.

"I'll let you slip this time because you always accompany me," says a voice that must be from Minseok but Sehun's attention is on the hand that's suddenly on his hip, "but next time," the voice says, "I won't be so considerate," and the hand on his hip tightens, along with an easy laughter.

Sehun laughs along, a tingling feeling making its way from the warm hand on his hip to his whole body.

-

On the last rainy day he'll find beautiful for some time, Sehun is on his way to Minseok's apartment; yes, they are as close as they need to be to be at that point already. His footsteps are rash and clumsy this time because the heavens are almost as sad as the man he talked to on the phone but probably not close enough. It should be known, though, to at least justify his actions, that Minseok’s never cried. Well, during the span of their friendship, he never has.

He buys coffee on his way, because Minseok likes coffee and he knows this. He takes a cab, gets out with a rushed thank you, forsakes his change, and tries to regain his composure as he walks to the elevator.

"Sehun-ah," Minseok greets him with a smile like he's suffering the most painful physical wound and it isn't as beautiful, but Sehun finds it so. "I'm sorry I had to make you come over without—"

"It's okay, hyung." It isn't. He was on his way to his friend's house for some group meeting he can't even remember now. He'll probably be forced to work on a single chapter alone because of his truancy but as always, it is if it's his _hyung_ , it's okay. "What happened?"

"I don't know. She just," Minseok shrugs and tousles his air. He doesn’t need any book to know that it’s from frustration, and maybe a whole lot from pain, too. "She just left. Just— _she didn't even tell me._ "

"She lost you," he says because he doesn't know what else to say as he settles down on the couch beside Minseok, "and you'll find someone better."

"No," Minseok's voice rises a bit and his hands are shaking, "I lost her but she— _she still has me_. And this is just so—"

"What?"

" _Stupid_ ," Minseok shouts, probably at himself, but Sehun flinches. He watches Minseok. Sehun lost someone once. Maybe he even loved her—a beautiful girl named Jieun. They were fifteen, and young and stupid. Sehun doesn't even remember _feeling_ the feeling but he does remember how he felt at least.

"It isn't," Sehun says calmly and hands Minseok the coffee, "I guess loving someone is never stupid, _hyung_. Letting it overwhelm you is, though. I think."

Minseok laughs but there are tears in his eyes now. "You aren't very good at this, you know?"

"I think I do," Sehun replies and Minseok gives him a smile. It's genuine, hurt, and sad, but still beautiful. _Just like his hyung_ , Sehun tells himself. He also tells himself that maybe this thing stirring inside him _is_ love after all.

  
  
  


He prepares some easy dish and they eat it silently while playing a replay of yesterday’s local basketball game. They’re not even watching it, in a sense; they’re just trying to pretend they are. Minseok asks him questions after long pauses, random things like _what do you want to do after college_ or _what high school did you attend_. Things you’d ask to strangers.

When he’s about to leave, it’s already seven in the evening. Minseok apologizes to him, telling him in a tired voice and with a small smile: “It was very unlike me. I didn’t bother you too much, did I?” He adds a laugh that fails to convince Sehun at the end. He smiles a worried smile and shakes his head.

“I proposed to her, you know.”

He is absolutely unprepared that he’s unable to hide the shock from his face and stutters with his words. “Oh—I—"

“We'll be graduating soon, so I thought I should do it. I mean, I wasn’t planning on marrying her right off. I just…” Minseok doesn’t continue, doesn’t even wait for a response and just ends it with, “It’s okay. Bye, Sehun. Thanks.”

-

They don’t really speak of it again until months after—when Minseok finally decides to tell the others. He speaks of it in a light way, as if it didn’t matter too much. Everyone else tenses up, though, but Minseok says it with _this_ smile on his face and moves on to the next matter as if he hadn’t brought up anything serious.

Nobody pushes it further.

A week after, Minseok introduces to them a girl whose name Sehun forgets a year after (along with a few other names as well). Two months after, Minseok tells them they’ve broken up and that _it wasn’t really anything serious._

Jongdae talks to Minseok about it: how he’s been missing some of his classes because he’s been spending too much time drinking, how he’s been playing around way too much, about how he’s changed. They don’t talk for two whole weeks, and Jongdae tells them the reason after.

When Minseok comes back, though, he’s the old Minseok. However, his flings don't stop and Sehun can tell there is a part in Minseok he can't ever fix now.

-

It's a rainy day.

They’re walking side-by-side under one umbrella on their way to their usual meeting place before karaoke night. Minseok’s phone rings; a girl’s name is on the caller id. Minseok excuses himself, and they stop by at some covered walk. Sehun watches from a distance. He watches Minseok talk animatedly, a lovely relaxed smile settling on his lips as he leans back on the wall. He watches Minseok’s face light up at something, watches Minseok’s body language.

Sehun approaches when he sees Minseok put his phone back to his pocket. He smiles at Minseok, and the latter says, “Sorry, Sehun. I can’t make it, after all. You’ll be fine without me right?”

His chest aches. There is a mild throbbing on his chest, and he finds it hard to smile. “Sure, _hyung_. Are you going to be ok without an umbrella?”

Minseok nods and says sorry with a smile that is only half sorry before saying goodbye. Sehun stays rooted to where he is standing as he looks at Minseok dashing to another street around the corner, his clothes getting soaked and the water underneath his shoes splashing messily.

He turns around and continues walking only after moments when he realizes that he’s not particularly looking at anything anymore, the throbbing continuing along with every step.

There is a heavy feeling residing inside him; it's a heavy feeling, and it hurts. He doesn't know what it is, and he tries not to dwell on it, but it becomes obvious it isn't working well for him when he wakes up from his stupor when he accidentally drenches his running shoes in a big pool of water.

He stops, bothering about his shoes only for a couple of moments before looking back and seeing no one behind him.

It hits him.

This is the part where Sehun realizes he is in love with his _hyung_ , after all.

-

Two years pass by slowly fast. Some days, the seconds enjoy his company too much and stay too long for a while. Other days, they pass by him in a gust of activities and before he knows it the day’s long over and night has come, sometimes accompanied by his darker thoughts.

Minseok enters graduate school after his apprenticeship in an architecture firm while Sehun tries out modeling, even when the pressure of what to do after college is starting to weigh him down. It keeps him busy. Nothing really changes between them. The only thing that changes is that he loves Minseok even more.

He learns unrequited love could hurt so badly.

  
  
  
  


Sehun meets Zitao way much later but Zitao does tell him one thing.

"I don't know, Sehun, but maybe it's time for you to move on," Zitao will tell him 4 years after he's fallen helplessly in love with Minseok, and at first Sehun will brush him off because he would've loved Minseok for four years by then; a couple more won't hurt.

The thing is: it _will_ hurt. A couple years watching him love someone else will always, _always_ hurt.

-

The first prompt comes when Minseok starts dating a Chinese guy named Yifan. He's tall and elegant, although a bit awkward.

It isn't unusual for Minseok to introduce his girlfriends to them. By them he means Baekhyun, Yixing, Jongdae, Kyungsoo, and him. Still, this _is_ unusual because he's introducing a _boyfriend_ and not a _girlfriend_.

"Since when did you start hitting on boys?" Baekhyun asks, smirking. All eyes are on the two of them. Well, except for Jongdae, who's busy looking at the menu and contemplating whether pork or beef's better, and him, who's being bothered by _numerous_ questions by the former— _beef's more expensive but I hear their beef's the best. What do you think, Sehun? Well, maybe we should have pork. Which is it?_

"I don't know, when was the last time you stopped hitting on that Chanyeol?" Minseok bites back, causing the others to laugh. "Anyway, before I get interrupted again," he says and glares at Baekhyun, making Sehun smile a little (he's trying hard to make it obvious to Jongdae that he's ignoring him), "this is Yifan."

Yifan smiles and Sehun makes a mental note to remind Minseok to keep his boyfriend (it hurts a little when he thinks of it, though not that much because he's sure they'll break up soon) away from Baekhyun, who might as well get over his love for Park Chanyeol and move on to another giant who is too attractive for Sehun’s liking.

  
  
  
  


When it gets late and everyone's certain it's time to go home, Sehun waits for his _hyung_ as the latter says goodbye to the Chinese man. From the corner of his eyes he can see them getting a bit _too_ comfortable. He should be used to this, really. He sighs and turns his back to them.

"Sehun, you should be used to this," he reminds himself through a whisper and jumps back a little when Minseok asks him what he just said from directly behind him.

"N-Nothing. Ah, _hyung_ , you scared me."

"You'll scare me more if you keep talking to yourself like that," Minseok replies with a chuckle and Sehun rolls his eyes. "Well, actually, you should be used to going out like this and having to hear too many complaints from those idiots and Baekhyun's love problems, eh?"

"It's not that. Besides, Yixing is the one who takes care of that," he replies and blushes lightly when Minseok laughs harder than what that was worth. It’s funny—the way Minseok’s happiness is somewhat linked to his.

Minseok turns serious when he asks him a question he'd rather not answer, "He's nice, right?" This makes Sehun turn back again to look at the Chinese man. Minseok continues talking nervously, something that doesn't happen quite often. "You're not grossed out are you? I mean, you know, that... _well_ …”

"Why would I be? Really," Sehun smiles, and Minseok returns a nervous one, "If he makes you happy then I’m okay with it."

It's obvious that Minseok's been worrying about this in the way his face relaxes evidently. It makes Sehun's heart shake a little; he's too happy, too happy. _This is bad._

"Ah,” Minseok singsongs, “I was so worried. What would I do if my Sehun suddenly left me?"

It takes every ounce of restraint and a reminder that Minseok only sees him as a little brother for him not to suddenly burst out that he's loved him for two long years. Just like that, with the reminder that he’s only but a brother, the happiness processes itself to pain.

"Let's go home then! Sehun-ah, sleep at my place today. It's past your bedtime already. Your parents might get mad and blame me for not taking care of their little prince," Minseok teases and tiptoes to put his arms around Sehun's neck, laughing as he does. "I can't believe this. Why are you so much taller than me now?"

"You're just really small, _hyung_ ," he jokes halfheartedly, forcing a smile.

Minseok jabs him in his ribs and faux-cries. "You were so adorable back then."

He wants to say something that goes along, "And I didn't love you then, _hyung_ ," but instead he says something that goes, "Well, I guess I got super cool then," with a laugh.

-

Minseok breaks up with Kris three months later. They talk about it lightly over a cup of coffee in a shop near Minseok’s university. Sehun grimaces as he looks at his _hyung_ sip his iced Americano, imagining himself drinking the bitter drink. Minseok laughs at him.

“I haven’t really told anyone. It’s nothing of importance, anyway.”

Sehun frowns at him. Minseok laughs and tells him that he knew he would’ve reacted like that; Sehun tries hard not to grin.

“You’re like my precious little brother, after all.”

_Oh_.

_Right._

-

The second prompt comes a year later, when Sehun meets Zitao at a club downtown. _He's Chinese_ , is the first thing that comes to his mind when he sees the other boy. The thought that he's attractive and is so different from Minseok comes much later, when he's already getting the daylights kissed out of him. The Chinese boy is tall and tan, with black hair and features that are sharp and edgy—so unlike his _hyung_.

The boy, who he would later call Zitao, walks towards him and offers him booze. "Hi," he says it in accented English, and Sehun raises an eyebrow and smirks while taking the glass of alcohol, their fingers brushing slightly. "Hey."

It's Saturday.

_It's too cramped in here_ , he thinks, and before he knows it he's already outside with an attractive Chinese man's tongue inside his mouth and hands lost wandering his back. He doesn't even know this guy's name and he's surely not sure what he's doing. _Is he even good in kissing?_ He hasn't kissed anyone in such a long time; he must suck so badly. It seems like this guy doesn't care though. It’s apparent in the moans and Chinese curses he's been letting out.

" _Shit_ ," he says, breathless, still kissing the other boy. "I have a roommate," he tells and he must sound lame but the other boy ignores it and tell him something like, "Mine; now."

They take a cab to the apartment of Zitao, who introduces himself much later than he should have. He's sure the driver's looking at them weirdly, because they're both panting when they get in the cab and Sehun barely stops the Chinese boy, who's actually just a year older than him, from pouncing on him on their way to his apartment.

Everyone must be looking weirdly at them, really, because they're running and laughing and pausing momentarily to make out, but, _right_ , it's 2 in the morning and they're too drunk to care anyway. They're too drunk to care that there's probably a CCTV camera inside the elevator _or the hallway_. Before they could even enter the room, the older one's already pinning him against the door while trying to open it. It's a miracle they don't land on the floor when it opens.

His lips are already numb. It's alright because Minseok's lips—Shit. _Shit_. Guilt swells on his chest, and he pulls away.

_Why is he suddenly so sober?_

"Shit. Sorry," he apologizes and stumbles backward a little, "I'm really—"

"You have a boyfriend?"

"No—"

"Girlfriend?"

" _It's not that I—_ "

"It's okay then," Zitao says and his words are a bit slurred, but Sehun can't say anything because the Chinese boy is already kissing him again and he finds himself kissing back.

  
  
  
  


He wakes up naked beside a stranger. Only it isn't totally a stranger. It's this hot Chinese dude who's gay and probably interested in him. Sehun knows he'll probably regret this. He'll think about it later, though, because right now his phone is ringing and it's Minseok.

" _Hyung_?" He just woke up; he can tell he sounds groggy.

" _Sehun_. I was so worried about you," Minseok's voice sounds genuinely worried and Sehun's quite sure the other's biting his lip from worry. It doesn’t even make him happy; it makes him feel miserable.

"I called you, but you weren't picking up. I thought something bad happened to you. I called your roommate, too, but he had no idea where you were.”

"Sorry," Sehun mumbles. He stands up and starts dressing himself. It makes him feel all the more badly—how naturally genuine Minseok worries. He looks over at his shoulder and watches the rhythm of Zitao's breathing. Guilt starts clawing at him again. This time it's directed not only to Zitao, but also to Minseok.

"Where are you? I'll pick you up."

"What? No—Ah—Sorry, _hyung_. It's fine I can go home by myself."

"Don't be stubborn, Sehun. Tell me the address."

Sehun tells him the address with only a moment of hesitation, and Minseok tells him he'll be there in a couple of minutes. It's rather cool outside when Minseok arrives; Sehun's already standing in front of the building. The first thing Minseok asks him is, "Are you alright?"

He really does feel like crying. _Stop being so nice,_ hyung _._

"Yeah," he assures and smiles. "Is she fine with you being here, _hyung_?"

  
  
  
  


There is a note on the bedside table when Zitao wakes up hours later to an empty space beside him. He rubs his eyes before reading it, sitting upright as he does so. It's a bit messy, with ink smeared at some parts, and it takes him a couple of minutes to read; the handwriting doesn't help him either.

_Sorry I left without telling you. You can call me, I guess; if you want to. I added my number to your contacts already._

He searches for his phone and looks for the brunette's name. _Sehun_.

He thinks Sehun took his heart with him.

-

Sehun thinks it's not right that whatever he does, Minseok will always be just right there but still be too far.

He thinks that it's not right that Minseok's smiles can make him so flustered and nervous while his smiles don't affect the older as much. He doesn't think that it's alright for Minseok to just ruffle his hair and tease him about being _so cute reacting like that,_ _Sehun-ah._ His _hyung_ doesn't know what's going on inside his mind. It’s so goddamn unfair that while Minseok transfers from one partner to another, he can't even look at one person without comparing whoever it is to Minseok, Minseok, _Minseok_.

It's just _so_ unfair.

"Sehun-ah, you've been acting weird lately. Are you sure everything's fine?"

Of course he isn't; of course not.

How could he be?

He smiles anyway.

"I'm okay."

He should be. He is Minseok's _precious_ little brother after all.

-

Zitao sends him a message two days after. It’s an awkward message constructed in poor Korean, and it makes him laugh out loud a little when he reads it, although he’s not being mean. He forgets to reply until a couple of hours, though, because he’s at work and he’s being made to change into _a lot_ of clothes.

Two weeks later, they end up meeting coincidentally at the same club they first met. Sehun finds out Zitao is actually a professional model, and that the club he went to the last time is frequented by models. They also end up doing it again in Zitao’s apartment.

They aren't exactly sober. They're not too drunk, either; they're just a _bit_ tipsy, maybe (or so he reasons out). Zitao still takes the lead, but Sehun thinks he's gotten a bit better at least. It makes him laugh when he realizes he's thinking of such petty things while in the middle of doing it.

"What?" Zitao asks, falling back to the bed, panting.

Sehun pauses for a bit. "I'm not too bad at this, am I?" This earns him an amused smile from the one beneath him.

"You're really asking this now," Zitao remarks, pulling Sehun closer to his face until his hot breathes make his ears feel like they’re burning. "You're so-so," he teases, whispering and moving his hips to remind Sehun to continue from where they stopped. Sehun smirks and concludes that the way Zitao's acting says otherwise.

  
  
  
  


This time, Zitao wakes up with Sehun sleeping soundly at his side.

-

"This is my friend."

It's a Saturday night, and Saturday nights are karaoke nights.

"Is he Chinese?" is the first thing Baekhyun asks as he conspicuously glances at Minseok with a teasing smile, this probably being his effort to lighten up the mood (because even Jongdae is not as animated as his usual animated self). The fact that Sehun hasn't gone to their usual getaways for three weeks wouldn't have been some sort of white elephant in the room, really, if Sehun hadn't deliberately ignored all of them for the whole three weeks.

He nods and politely bows his head before taking a sit beside Jongdae; Zitao sits beside him. They ask him a couple things about what he's been doing these past three weeks, and he answers them honestly. He knows he's not really lying when he tells them he's busy with school and work. Not too busy to be unavailable for three long weeks, really, but busy still.

"So you’re back, huh," Jongdae says in a low voice, deviating once again from the group's discussion as each person turns to pester Zitao (everyone looks amazed when Zitao mentions he’s a model).

"Sorry," he mutters, thinking back to how much he's said sorry in the last couple of weeks. "Did you miss me?" He chuckles and smirks, trying his best to irk the other since he isn’t really used to being all serious with Jongdae. Jongdae rolls his eyes and says, "Keep dreaming," but his smile is warm and glad by the end of it. "I told them to stop bothering you about whatever it is, but you still need to tell them some time, get it?"

Sehun shrugs. The first week of Sehun's disappearance (this is an exaggeration that greatly amuses Jongdae) the aforementioned man had ambushed him at his flat. The older man had shamelessly knocked at their door as if with the intention to break it if needed, ignoring his roommate's bewildered expression after having opened the door.

The ambush goes like this:

"Is this some teenage angst you're experiencing?"

Jongdae enters his room with ease, since he didn't really lock it. He raises an eyebrow at him anyway. "Why are you here?"

"It's not like we're together every single day, you know, but we do message each other frequently. We have a lot of these spontaneous food trips, too. We also go to the same university, you know. No, it's not like I wouldn't notice that I haven't seen you in at least one week. Not even once. It doesn't really bother me that you haven't replied to any of our kakao either. It specially doesn't bother me that you spout all these reasons just to decline every single invitation of doing whatever. You're probably not lying, but still, declining every single time? _Really?_ "

Sehun is stuck between wanting to laugh and wanting to bolt out the door right at that moment. He ends up not doing either and just staring at Jongdae with a look between amused and and lost on his face.

To make it even more confusing, Jongdae says, "Is is about Minseok?"

It takes Sehun a moment to comprehend the fact that Jongdae really uttered whatever he had uttered. It calls out a dumb look on his face. " _What?_ "

Jongdae doesn't reply for minutes. They stare at each other, unmoving. They start at each other. A second, a few more, another set of seconds. Jongdae's gaze is challenging. They are having a duel with their eyes; it would appear so to someone who'll barge in.

"You can tell me, you know."

Sehun doesn't reply and just frowns.

"You're acting like some high school girl. It's worrying him."

Sehun averts his eyes, the frown on his face getting deeper and deeper with each word that escapes from Jongdae's mouth.

"You like him right?"

This is what makes Sehun gape, what makes Sehun's eyes go wide, what makes his face look a hundred percent defensive (and he hasn't even said a word yet). _He turns to Jongdae and—_

"The three of us have been together for years, you know. It's not like I wouldn't notice."

His right arm twitches and the frown returns to his face, though his eyes seem to not want to go back to how they normally are. He doesn't affirm it, doesn't deny it. He knows Jongdae doesn't need any of the two, anyway.

"I won't tell him."

Sehun knows Jongdae will stay true to his words.

(A part of him wishes he wouldn't. Hiding can get pretty tiring, after all.)

"I'll tell them you're just really, really, _really_ busy with modeling and college right now. Maybe I should tell them I found you lying on the floor sleeping, unfazed by the cold, harsh floor?"

"That'd make Minseok worry more," he mumbles, smiling a little at Jongdae's effort to make him realize it's all _okay_ to him.

"We're already worried, thanks for noticing."

Sehun laughs and tells Jongdae to go home already, adding a meek _thanks, hyung_ at the end and closing the door to his room quickly before he could even see the other's embarrassed expression.

That was how it had gone. Now he’s here.

He goes back to his senses when Zitao nudges him and tells him it's time to order something and to _stop looking so distant and unsociable_. "Sorry," he says again and imagines scolding himself halfway through saying the word.

  
  
  
  


He concludes Zitao's easy to like two hours into the night; he has the capability to bring out the protective side in _everyone_. Yixing even promises to help him improve his Korean (with some genuinely cheesy remark about how hard it is living in a country where you can't understand half of what people are saying).

Minseok, well, Minseok doesn't really bug him all throughout the night. Sehun catches him looking a few times, though, in that concerned, affectionate brotherly way he looks at Sehun. It's a way that makes Sehun happy, hurt, and angry all at the same time.

  
  
  
  


It's only when they're about to go home when Minseok approaches him.

"I'm happy you're getting friends your age," Minseok says, smiling. "How have these past three weeks been?"

Sehun's entire resolve buckles under the gentleness of Minseok's smile. _He can't do this after all_. He's so naive to think he could just give up on everything and just walk away from Kim Minseok. He swallows and bites his lower lip. "I wasn't really busy with my studies."

Minseok's smile doesn't even waver; he's not even the littlest bit surprised. Sehun can see the others talking just a few meters away from them. He could see everyone laughing along to something, Zitao included. Minseok just nods and says, "Yeah."

"Isn't it awkward if we talk about this so seriously, _hyung_?" He asks this with a laugh and Minseok laughs the way he always laughs, with his gums showing and his eyes disappearing into slits.

"Hey, if you say it like that it'll really get awkward!" Minseok's laugh is comfortable and relaxed; it's that laugh that makes Sehun question how he was able to avoid him for three whole weeks. "You can tell me anything you want, though, Sehun."

_You're wrong, hyung,_ he thinks.

"I know," he says, smiling. "It wasn't really anything big, just some sudden realization about unrequited love."

Minseok scrunches his face at him, his hands going out of his pockets to form crossed arms over his chest instead. " _Eh_? Who's this girl? How come you never mentioned this to me?"

"It's just some crush, _hyung_. It's embarrassing for me if I tell you even something this trivial, you know. Besides, I was also stressing about my parents. They keep on pressuring me about my plans after college, what I'd want to do and stuff."

Sehun's smile is not pretend at this point. Fake smiles are things too rare to be shown to Minseok. He can see the others finish with whatever they're talking about and turn to them, Baekhyun being the one to shout at them that it's time to go back to their _mamas_ —shouting _or your apartments or whatever if you're living away from home_ more quietly after.

"I'm sure you'll know what you want to do soon. Also, it's not trivial," Minseok says, ignoring Baekhyun, "It's good to know you're human! You're _always_ busy with your classes and modeling. Next time, introduce a girlfriend, you hear?"

"Yeah, yeah," he says, waving Minseok off and proceeding to where everyone is at, the older tailing him. "I don't want to be a playboy like you."

Minseok punches him lightly in the arm while they both rush of to the others while laughing, Minseok trying to convince Sehun that he's not a playboy and that he's just _on the lookout for love._

  
  
  
  
  


"So, who's he?" Zitao asks him silently when he starts walking by his side, walking a little bit slower than the rest. He glances at the older boy.

" _Minseok-hyung_. Didn't he introduce—"

"Yeah, but is he, like, _someone_ to you?"

Sehun stops walking; Zitao stops as well.

"It's pretty obvious, if you look closely."

"What are you saying? He's just a close friend."

He resumes walking, this time briskly, not giving Zitao a chance to reply.

-

The day Sehun does tell Zitao of his unreciprocated feelings for his _hyung_ , they're in the ramen shop near his university. It's the weekend after their finals week, and they plan on staying at Zitao's flat for the night. They don't really talk about what they are, but both of them know. All that no strings attached thing—they understand it perfectly well. Their bodies are compatible, that's that. More so, they're becoming great friends. He's comfortable around Zitao.

"So how did you all become friends? I mean, you guys are so mixed up," Zitao's telling him, also adding comments about how the noodles taste perfect and _maybe we should eat here more often although I need to take care of my body_ and _how'd you find this place anyway?_

"Uh, Jongdae," he answers absent-mindedly, "he used to be my roommate. He's friends with Baekhyun. Baekhyun's working part-time with Yixing. I don't know how they met Kyungsoo. It’s probably during one of their karaoke nights."

"And Minseok?"

"What?"

"How did you become friends with Minseok?"

"Oh. Uh, he was Jongdae's roommate during their university days together. They're best friends, too. I was a freshman when Minseok- _hyung_ was on his fifth year."

Zitao nods and continues eating his noodles. He doesn't really register this, doesn't register how Zitao's been talking to him for the past three minutes, or how—

"If you don't answer to me I'll kiss you here and now."

He blinks rapidly, turning his head to face Zitao.

"What?"

Zitao rolls his eyes at him. "Your noodles are getting cold. If you don't want it I can eat it."

He mumbles, “Sorry,” and continues eating. "Hey," he starts, probably looking a bit weird since he’s eating while talking, "was I really that obvious back then?"

Zitao only answers after he's finished his bowl. He even asks if he should order another one before answering. "It wasn't really that obvious if you don't look closely. It's your eyes, I think. You look at him with some sort of passion," he answers, laughing noisily by the end. Sehun sends him daggers via eye contact and resumes eating his noodles.

He hears the older boy ask for the bill adding, "Pay for this since you're staying at my place tonight," with a laugh and more seriously a moment after, "so how long has it been?"

Sehun shrugs. "Three years?"

Zitao looks at him like he's joking. Only he isn't.

"Wow," is the only thing he hears from the other's mouth.

  
  
  
  


They do it a couple times that night. One time he allows himself to think: _what would it be like if it were him?_ He huffs at himself at disgust a second after the thought slips.

"What's wrong?"

He shrugs it off. "Nothing," he says as always.

-

"You should tell him, you know," Zitao says and Sehun just groans, hitting the man beside him with a pillow. They're watching an American movie without Korean subtitles just for the fun of it and pizza boxes are littering the floor of the older's cramped apartment. The couch is too small for them but that's okay because what else did they come here for anyway?

"What for?" he asks, tangling their legs to a perfect mess and finally kissing the hell out of the Chinese boy. "So he can tell me to stop joking and tell me that I'm too young for him?" he asks again in between eager kisses only to receive a moan and a tug on his pants.

Zitao wants to tell him something along, "so you can finally stop doing this with me because it actually fucking hurts," but of course he doesn't tell Sehun this. Instead he lets himself drown on his own masochism and on Sehun's selfish misery.

Sehun grabs the other's hair, his other hand already making its way to unbuckle Zitao's belt to get rid of the nasty piece of cloth. "You're already so damn hard," he mumbles while biting and sucking on Zitao's lower lip.

"Just hurry up already." Zitao's voice is breathy and needy and Sehun complies, undressing himself and kissing the other boy even more harshly.

The American film gets forgotten and the English words become a blur; the room gets filled with moans and _fuck_ 's and finally a whimper when they both reach their climax with cum covering most of Sehun's body.

"You should still tell him," Zitao says as Sehun collapses above him and he hears his own heart break when Sehun says a tired, "I just love him so damn much," before removing himself from Zitao's grasp and going to his room to clean himself, leaving Zitao all alone like he always does.

-

The second to the last prompt comes when a man named Luhan, who was not only _beautiful_ (so beautiful Sehun would've probably liked him if Minseok hadn't come sweeping him off his feet a few years earlier) but also rich—"don't tell me you're a model, too," Baekhyun remarked while laughing thirty seconds into their first conversation—suddenly starts joining them on their weekend getaways.

It doesn't bother him that much because Minseok's always introducing someone new to them anyway and everyone gets used to the presence of the Chinese stranger rather quickly.

"This is Luhan," Minseok says with a tint of rose on his cheeks the time he introduces Luhan. "Well. We kind of—"

Sehun finds it cute how Minseok's playing with the hem of his shirt, head bent down looking at his feet.

"I'm his boyfriend," Luhan interrupts with a shy smile that makes his _hyung_ blush even harder.

This is so different, because his _hyung_ doesn't blush like this, not when it's not him who's making him blush, and that's rare, too. His _hyung_ doesn't get flustered over little gestures like this, and this hurts him even more because there's a smile on his _hyung_ 's face he has never seen before, not even when his _hyung_ smiles at him.

It hurts, because he looks at Luhan with a way he's never looked at Sehun.

_Look at me, hyung,_ he thinks, as he looks at the way Minseok looks at Luhan.

  
  
  
  


Sehun says it doesn't hurt when Zitao approaches him to ask if he's okay.

(It does. It really, _really_ does.)

-

"Are you happy, _hyung_?"

It's way past nine o'clock. Sehun called Minseok to celebrate the end of his exams. They ended up drinking a little and eating a lot. Now, they’re off to Minseok’s since it’s a lot closer from where they were.

"Am I happy?" Minseok smiles a playful smile, glancing at Sehun. "Am I happy about what?"

He rolls his eyes and laughs, even though it’s hard to say, "Are you happy with Luhan- _hyung_?"

It takes a couple of seconds for Minseok to answer. When he does, he’s smiling _this_ lovely smile. “I’m happy, Sehun,” he says, and it makes swallowing so hard for Sehun. "Why?"

Sehun shrugs nonchalantly; he intends it to appear nonchalant, at least. "You look happy every time you look at him."

"I guess it shows, huh? "

Sehun smiles."Yeah. I'm happy for you, _hyung_." He's happy, really, but he's more hurt than happy. "Treat him well, okay?"

"You don't have to say that to me," Minseok says, smiling. His eyes tell Sehun he really doesn't need to, because his _hyung_ loves Luhan. Maybe even more than he's loved Ahreum, and that is already saying a lot, because Minseok let Ahreum break him to a thousand little pieces, losing some of himself along the way. Now, Luhan is putting him together, providing him the pieces he's lost.

-

  
  


Sehun’s last semester in college keeps him too busy to even think of anything provoking. He doesn’t spend as much time with Minseok and the others, nor does he meet with Zitao frequently outside of work. He’s started modeling for the same agency as Zitao, and he’s already made up his mind that’ll he’ll continue working as a model until he decides on what he really wants to do with his life.

Everything’s fine. On days when he’s free, Minseok drags him to watch soccer games along with Luhan. He’s used to Luhan’s presence already, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Seeing how happy his _hyung_ is makes everything a little bit better though.

Sehun has also gone out with him another time. This time, Luhan asks him out on a _bubble tea date_. “I heard you like bubble tea, Sehun,” Luhan tells him. “I like it, too, although I’ve taken a strange liking to coffee as well. It’s probably Minseok’s fault.”

It’s all well, really, until he graduates, and he’s rid off of all his paperwork. This is when he gets to think about everything that’s been going on; this is when he realizes his feelings for Minseok never left at all.

-

It’s a Tuesday. After continuous hours consisting of makeup, harsh lights, and hair extensions, Sehun’s shoot for a magazine finally ends. He’s working with Zitao on this one, so he tells him after they’re done that they need to talk.

“What is it?” Zitao asks. His Korean has improved a lot, and it makes Sehun smile a little.

“We should stop this,” he says. They haven’t done it in weeks, really, but still Sehun wants to make it clear. He watches as Zitao’s face turn stoic. “I mean—”

“End what?”

He furrows his eyebrows. “This,” he says, motioning to the two of them.

He looks at Zitao, and he’s anxious that the other will ask him what he means by _this_. It’s a sort-of relief when the Chinese man says, “Yeah. Sure.”

Sehun smiles at him. “We should remain friends, though.”

“I’m your sort-of best friend, anyway, right?” Zitao rhetorically asks, rolling his eyes, laughing. “Anyway, I need to go change. I’ll see you next time.”

Zitao says this while looking somehow sullen; Sehun pretends he doesn’t see this.

-

Minseok tells them something that goes: “I think I really am in love with Luhan.”

This makes him want to cry, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t cry even when he’s alone. It’s the way he is.

Instead, as he had always done before, he tells, “I’m really happy for you, _hyung_.”

-

"I'm sorry."

Zitao looks like he's ready to cry. It crushes Sehun's heart, but he knows he can't do it; he can't lie.

"I can't, Zitao."

_I don't love you._

There are tears running down Zitao's cheeks now. He has been a crybaby ever since, after all. His face makes it appear that he's trying his best not to cry although he's already crying. His shoulders are shaking really badly, his eyes shut so hard, his tears not stopping.

_This isn't beautiful—not at all._

Sehun feels like crying, too. He bites his lower lip, tightens his grip on his leg, tries hard not to let his voice croak and says, "I'm sorry," over and over again. Over and over again, he says sorry; over and over again, Zitao's heart breaks.

He wants to tell Zitao he understands how much it hurts—loving someone who loves someone else. He wants to tell Zitao that he never intended this for happen; the latter makes him feel like an asshole.

He should've known, should've at least expected that something like this would happen. He's selfish, too selfish. He doesn't say all this, of course. He just repeatedly says sorry, as if that would take this all away, as if that could make everything better.

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

Zitao tells him to stop with this sort-of contempt in his pained, weak voice. It's apparent that the contempt is directed to Sehun's repeated sorry, not Sehun. Not Sehun. Not Sehun.

_Hate me_ , he thinks, _it'll be easier. Please shout at me. Yell at me._

_Please. Please. Please._

It kills him: the way Zitao just sits there and bawls his eyes out.

It kills him: the way he wants to lie and tell Zitao that maybe it could work out, that this thing between them, maybe they could give it a try.

It kills him: the way he's certain it couldn't.

  
  
  
  


When Zitao calms down, his whole face is red and his voice is raspy. His eyes are swollen, tired, and shallow. His voice is quiet, dispirited. They can't look at each other, and the air that blankets them is heavy, overwhelming, and delicate. It overwhelms both of them, to the extent they'd probably do anything to get out of this room; it overwhelms both of them, to the extent that they stay because they can't endure it alone.

"I'm sorry I told you what I felt.”

Sehun doesn't say anything because he knows he won't be able to say anything that'll make sense. He doesn't say anything because nothing would really make anything go back to how they were before. No matter what he says, he can't fool anyone. He can't sugarcoat whatever is happening. He can't make this okay with just a few words. He can't do anything, really.

He can't love Zitao the way he wants him to love him, after all.

"I shouldn't have," Zitao says, "I want to think that, but I don't. I couldn't do it anymore—pretending everything was okay while I watched you ruin yourself."

Sehun knows. The feelings of unrequited love, he knows it too well. He knows how bad it hurts when the one you love talks about the one he loves with you with such a blissful face. He knows how bad it hurts when the one you love smiles at the person he loves like he's certain of something you aren't. He knows how bad it hurts when the one you love doesn't love you back.

"You're actually selfish, Sehun. I know you know it, but you aren't selfish when it comes to Minseok- _hyung_ at all." Zitao scoffs, pain twisting with his words. He looks like he's about to cry again, but the tears don’t come. "I'm sorry. I want us to be friends again—I want to say that."

Sehun looks directly at Zitao's eyes for the first time tonight.

"It's okay, Sehun. You don't need to say anything. I think we need to, you know, stay apart or something."

Zitao tries to smile; it doesn't work. "I'm sorry," he says one last time, before getting up and telling Sehun that he should probably go home.

He tries to say something, but he ends up only saying, "I'll see you again some time," and bowing his head a little to say goodbye.

"I don't know, Sehun, but maybe it's time for you to move on," Zitao tells him before he finally leaves.

-

This is the last prompt.

It is raining rather hardly. It's probably because of the low pressure; Sehun's not so sure since he hasn't watched the news for about three days because he’s been trying to research about the entertainment industry. His effort to stay dry is proven futile when the downpour becomes even more powerful, totally overwhelming his cheap umbrella. He doesn't even have to say anything about it, because Minseok has already said every complaint he could ever think of.

They sit where they always sit, in the place where the rain hits their shoes anyway. They order the same thing, too. They don’t really talk much, though, and just find comfort in each other’s presence.

  
  
  
  


" _Hyung_ ," Sehun says, serious. He stares at the rain outside, not necessarily thinking about anything. He just stares at the rain, looking at how they fall too fast and too harshly.

"What?" Minseok asks. "You look so serious," he adds with a laugh. Sehun smiles. The way he smiles must look too sad, he realizes, because Minseok turns serious a moment after it. Minseok patiently waits for him to speak.

“Do you still love her?”

He doesn’t need to say the name, because Minseok knows. “You know I’m as bad with serious talk as you are, Sehun-ah,” Minseok comments, not entirely joking and not entirely being serious as well. “I don’t know, Sehun. What I do know is that I really love Luhan.”

“ _Hyung_ ,” he wants to say, “I’ve loved you for the last 4 years. How can that even be possible?” Instead, he laughs a little and says, “What if someone you’re really close to confesses to you?”

Minseok looks at him. “What?” he asks. “You’re not confessing to me are you?” Minseok chuckles at the end, but he looks at Sehun with concerned eyes, eyes full of questions and worries.

_Did he know it, too?_ Sehun wonders. _The way I always somehow knew but never acknowledged that Zitao loved me._

When he looks closely, though, he realizes Minseok doesn’t. There really is this look in his eyes, but it’s a look concerning Zitao and Sehun.

“Zitao told me he loved me,” Sehun tells. Minseok sighs and follows Sehun with staring at the rain.

“He told me he loves you, you know,” Minseok answers. “You should give him a chance.”

Sehun looks at Minseok and smiles. Silence.

“ _Hyung_ , I loved you once, you know.”

Minseok looks at him and smiles a sorry smile, only this time it really is sorry. Minseok must be struggling with how to respond to this. They stare at the rain for quite some time, a sullen blanket of silence protecting them from the cold.

“Sehun-ah,” Minseok says as they both watch the rain fall, “thank you.”

Sehun just smiles and says, “I think I know how Zitao feels.”

Really, it is raining too hard outside.


End file.
